I can remember 2 occasions where I was so egregiously annhiliated that I shouldn't have been in the company of humans, much less behind the wheel of a car. The last occasion served to be a sort of epiphany, and I've never driven drunk since. The first occasion, I don't think I was much more than 17, and somehow or other, my friend and I were in a bar getting served. All I really knew how to drink at that point was beer (my parents drank Gin, and I couldn't stand the taste of it). My friend said, "Try this. It's an Alabama Slammer." It looked like cherry Kool-Aid, and didn't taste much stronger. "Ok, this is the ticket," I remember saying to myself (I was reading a lot of Stephen King at the time and his characters had a tendency to say,"That's the ticket."), "This is just my speed." Within minutes, I was completely annihilated, and remember nothing until I woke up the next morning feeling sick in my own bed. I had been driving my father's crappy little Honda the night before, and, with my heart in my throat, I ran outside to check on it. It was intact, although pink vomit was running down the side of it. I called my friend, and asked, "What's the last thing you remember from last night?" "Last thing I remember," he said, "Was you driving up and down the hills in the cemetery." I swore then that I wouldn't ever drive drunk again, and it was over a decade before I weakened. At that time, a friend's mother (whom I had known since I was a tot) was dying of cancer, and we went to the local tavern for what was supposed to be one beer. One led to another, which of course led to still more, I met the brother of a friend I went to grade school with and he bought a few, we bought him and ourselves a few more, and then the bartender was buying us shots of something very vile tasting, very intoxicating. It was not long before dawn when we stumbled up to my friend's house, and I was determined to drive myself home (he walked into his front hallway and collapsed). At the time, I was again driving my father's vehicle (not a crappy Honda this time; my own car was in the shop for some repair), and I headed up the roadway toward home, confident in my ability. As I pulled off the circular exit towards the main highway, I suddenly started vomiting all over myself. I remember saying aloud as it seeped into my lap, "If there is a God or a heaven, just get me home in one piece, without killing myself or someone else, and I'll never do this again. I can worry about the puke tomorrow. Just get me home in one piece." At that point, I blacked out. Somehow, I made it the 30 miles or so to my own place, and I remember crawling up my front steps toward my door like some dying insect. When I finally awoke the next morning (late for work; I called in several hours after I was supposed to be there, and somehow convinced them that I was deathly ill, which wasn't far wrong), I was as sick as I've ever been in my life, and I've been pretty sick in my time. I was messed up enough in those days that, after attempting to clean the vomit out of the car (I called my father...how could I not tell him?...and he yelled at me like I was 15 instead of in my early 30's, "You never learn your lesson, do you, boy? You never learn!"), I popped some painkillers and drove to NY. However, I had a hard talk with myself and decided to honor the promise I had made to God, myself, or some ephemeral phantom. Like Irishgit, I wasn't as concerned about my own possible demise (although the thought of being paralyzed was scary) as I was with being responsible for some innocent person's death or maiming. I know enough about myself to recognize that I could never live with myself were I responsible for such a tragedy. And so, since then, I've never gotten behind the wheel of a car if I've just consumed any quantity of alcohol (or other intoxicating substance; it wasn't unusual for me to occasionally take a drive into the country while whacked out on opiates). Not to pat myself on the back; I just know I'll never be able to handle the consequences...emotionally and otherwise...if the worst case scenario occurs.
