We've had a lot of involuntary down time around here lately and when we came to, we realized that we had spent...what can only be described as...an unnatural amount of time watching TV shows...mostly on Hulu.com. I can summarize this experience by saying that we now own an indelible montage of soap operatic nonsense, packaged like the designer purses of Susan Mayer and Gabrielle Solis look-a-likes, the Marlboro Man-lite, sexy FBI agents and big, bald black men...all guided through a maze of predictable, unimaginative investigative horseshit by writers who wouldn't have made the short list as Star Trek techno-babblers. Our search for anything meaningful or satisfying would equate to a dehydrated person trying to find comfort in sucking on a barely damp cloth. I let all of this roam, freely, through my psyche. When will I ever learn?
Then along comes "V".
I paused it at the beginning, allowing myself to set-up a little wooden cutting board, an Exacto knife with a brand new blade and an ample supply of clean towels, hydrogen peroxide and bandages on my desk. I strapped my right hand to the desk and clicked "Play" with my left hand. With the Exacto knife poised for action, I gave my monitor my full attention.
Opening shot: Lady in bed. Camera pans past her FBI badge. (My left hand quivers). Arrival of the aliens (The Visitors) is signaled by vibrating furniture and coffee cups. First blood occurs at First Contact.
Human: "Is there such a thing as an ugly Visitor?"
Visitor: "I don't understand."
Human: "Well, you all seem to be what we consider to be attractive."
Visitor: "Thank you. You're not so bad yourself."
AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!
I started with my baby finger. Stark immediately picked the finger off the floor (amazing how far it flew) and packed it in ice. I lost another finger when the FBI agent (the baby Doctor from "Lost") leads a raid in search for C-4 explosives. WTF? The third finger went when the violins led us into the soapie confrontation between the FBI agent and her son, about how "you're father left us..." The fourth finger got chopped when there was a reference to how the Visitors would bring 'hope and change'...AND (AND!) Universal Health Care...followed by a crippled man in a wheel chair now being able to walk, thanks to the new Saviors. I was down to a thumb. But, I just couldn't do it. When I began to raise the blade to my throat, Stark snatched the Exacto knife away from me.
Evolution is a sneaky thing. In less than an hour, all of my opposable digits were in the freezer.
(which will be a real test for the new set of cast iron pans that I bought.) And for what? So I could write a review on this garbage? Well, you guys can keep sucking on that barely damp cloth.
Curiously, we just did a Clint Eastwood marathon, here. From "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly" all the way through "High Plains Drifter" and I never once thought about cutting off my fingers.
When will I ever learn?
Additionally: I'm sorry, but I didn't nail this one, so let me give it another shot. I feel disgusted that I allowed myself to spend weeks consorting with a pack a spineless, gutless writers, producers and directors who absolutely refuse to take any risks with their work. Everything is recycled...the themes, the plots and the characters and if they can't get the actors they want, they find ones that look exactly alike. It's like the sugar effect: the more you take, the more you crave it...basically, because it's so unsatisfying to begin with.
