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yesterday

Date: April 4, 2054

(Recorded voice of Johnny Gilbert): “And NOWWWW, here’s the host of Jeopardy!... David Faustino!”

Faustino: “Thank you, Johnny. Today’s a very special day on Jeopardy. Today marks the 35th anniversary of the reign of James Holzhauer. And after 35 years, we seem to know everything there is to know about James. He is the current President of NBC Television…a position he accepted after his 8 years as Vice President of the United States.

(Audience explodes with applause)

“Prior to that, James was known as Senator Holzhauer from the great state of Nevada. And none of this has gotten in the way of James showing up, day-after-day, for all these years…without ever missing a show.

“As you can see, we have, once again had to expand James’ section of the competitor’s podiums by another 12 inches in order to accommodate the length of his accumulative winnings, which stands today at $689,742,351. Of course, this was all made possible when James negotiated a few radical changes in the Jeopardy! format. First, 27 years ago, when hitting a Daily Double, James was allowed to turn Jeopardy! into what has been dubbed, “No Limit Jeopardy”, where he was able to dip into his past earnings to make a wager. Over 75% of his earnings come from those special wagers, with his largest successful wager weighing in at $81,000,000.

“The second modification came 12 years later when James insisted that when his earnings grow to 10x the nearest contestant, the lovely former Bong Appetite maven Vanessa Lavorato provides the challengers with CBD and THC infused cocktails and hors d'oeuvres, lounge chairs and extended buzzer cords.

“And, of course, we have upped the stakes.

“Now, let’s meet today’s challengers. First, let’s say “Hi” to Marvin from Portland. Oregon. Marvin. I understand that you are homeless and have suffered extreme long-term memory loss.”

Marvin: “Hooooooeeeee!”

Faustino: “Okaaaaayyyy! Now let’s say “Hi” to Gertie, from outside Quartzite, Arizona. I understand you work in a scrap yard.”

Gertie: “That’s right. I CRUSH things. And I’m here to crush you, Jimmy and when I’m done with…”

Faustino: “Okaaaaayyyy! And now to our Champion, and my boss, James Holzhauer.”

James: “Hi, David. I have another change I’d like to make, starting tomorrow. I want to change the Jeopardy! theme song. The original has had a nice run, but as with all things, it will only last as long as it’s supposed to last. So, starting tomorrow, the new Jeopardy! theme song will be “Excitable Boy" by Warren Zevon.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4-pexSVWzM

Faustino: “Well, you’re the boss! Now let’s take a look at your 35th Anniversary categories. Let’s see how you do with these subjects:

“First, ‘HEY! THERE’S ELVIS!’
Next, ‘HOUSE EDGE’
Then, ‘BURN CARD’
And, ‘VEGAS BUFFETS’
Then, ‘THE EYE IN THE SKY’
And finally, ‘QUOTES FROM JAMES HOLZHAUER’S ‘HOW TO MAKE A SHIT LOAD OF COINAGE BY REMEMBERING A SHIT LOAD OF STUFF ($19.95 ON AMAZON’)"

Faustino: “Okay, James, where are you gonna start?”

James: “Well, David, let’s start with ‘Vegas Buffets’ for $250,000…..’

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4 days ago

I was going to give this character 5 stars, as he was a favorite of mine in the earlier seasons. This season he comes off as lame and stupid. He could have TRIED to convince "his queen" to take a different route, rather than just being mealy mouthed. Then he kisses her while he fuckin stabs her instead of pulling a sword and looking her in the eye ? Total wuss. I'll blame the shitty ass show writers, though, and hope George RR Martin can and will do the story and characters more justice in his last book or books.

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12 days ago

One of my favorite characters. It was so frustrating that he didn't get the revenge he craved. Rory McCann is an amazing actor. I hope he gets A LOT of fine roles in the future.

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14 days ago

A miserable,crusty old fuck who raised a psychopath.

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18 days ago

I never knew whether to trust him. Now I can't stand him. He's sowing discord again, and maybe he's really on Cerseis side. He says he's for the commoners, but he also tried to convince Eddard Stark to let Joffrey continue to rule. He told him to lie and say the words that led to his execution,too.

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