Canada
5
Probably the best country in the entire world. The only thing that I find annoying about my countrymen is that we are only able to identify ourselves as being 'not American.' While being non-American is certainly desirable and great, we need to learn to have an affirmative identity. And for any Americans out there who are puzzled by Canadian attitudes towards them, just imagine for a minute what it would be like to live right next door to your country. The problem is not our attitude towards you, it is that you expect us to love you and bow to your supremacy. Now for some affirmative reasons why Canada rules: 1. We have every kind of scenery on the planet. 2. Our cities are vastly cleaner and safer than most other cities on Earth. 3. We enjoy more freedom than most other countries (including the US - stop kidding yourselves, you currently live in a very fascist state). 4. We have a laissez-faire attitude towards most things (homosexuality, drugs, different religions and groups of people, etc...). 5. Most Canadians' knowledge of another language goes beyond phrases like 'laissez-faire' and 'deja-vu'. 6. We are quite highly educated. 7. Our politics are more socialist (and therefore 'correct'). 8. Religion does not play a large part in the lives of most people here, and it does not play any part in our government or politics (except for the Alliance party, and they're to the right of Mussolini). 9. We are a cultural mosaic, rather than a melting pot. 10. We aren't shot at and openly despised whenever we visit other countries, which is why many American tourists wear Canadian flags on their clothing and luggage. 11. I know that it's a stupid and trivial thing, but our beer is indeed the best. 12. We have a sizable percentage of the world's natural resources, which we are willing to share with other countries. 13. Our poorest and most disenfranchised people, the aboriginals, have a standard of living higher than that of more than two thirds of the world's population. 14. Canadians aren't afraid of one another because, no matter how much a disagreement escalates, no pistols are going to be drawn since nobody carries pistols except for the police and a few of the more violent criminals. 15. We don't need armed protection from violent, pistol-packing criminals because the idea that only a heavily-armed civilian population will prevent crime is a complete myth, perpetuated by gun manufacturers. 16. Most violent crime is directed at other criminals, organized gangs tend to leave civilians alone. 17. Except for the southern parts of Ontario and Quebec, the air is fresh and clean. 18. We embrace capitalism but understand that the capitalists should never have too much political power. 19. We don't need an army; if a foreign power invades, it will become a threat to the US and they'll rush to our defence; if the US invades, the rest of the world will be outraged even more than they already are, and will rush to our defence, or will at least install crippling embargoes on the US that America will have to engage in perpetual war with the entire world to remove. 20. We have the ability to laugh at ourselves as well as others. 21. Our tapwater is potable. 22. We produce the funniest comedians and the best bands (although I agree with the person who doesn't like Rush, I don't like Rush either). 23. Traitors such as Lucien Bouchard and Jaques Parizeau, who made a deliberate, documented effort to split the country apart, would have been in front of a firing squad in most other countries. We at least understand that scum like that don't deserve to become martyrs; instead they are allowed to go about their daily business because they do a much better job of proving their own idiocy than anyone else could. 24. We abolished the death penalty 27 years ago, and have not had a hanging in nearly 40 years. 25. If we are indeed giving away our country to every shady character and asylum-seeker that comes our way, then how come every immigrant I've ever met actually works for a living, is not on welfare, and contributes greatly to our society as a whole? And why is it that Canada is blamed for serving as a base of operations for terrorists entering the U.S., when it is the U.S. that makes itself such a tempting target? We were even initially blamed for the eastern blackout. We're also apparently responsible for flooding the U.S. with illegal drugs. Are you guys responsible for nothing, or are you so wonderful that every calamity MUST be entirely someone else's fault? 26. We can rest assured that no hospital will ever turn us away from treatment because we can't afford to pay, because health care is FREE in Canada. And even though it is free, there is surprisingly little abuse going on. 27. We said no to helping with Bush's stupid war. 28. Poutine is delicious. 29. Mayonnaise and vinegar go great with hamburgers and french fries respectively. 30. Go ahead and shoot as many Canada Geese as you want, we'll still send millions more down south to defecate all over everything. They will never go extinct. 31. Newfoundlanders don't have to do much besides talk and they are still entertaining. Don't let them trick you into actually drinking something called Screech, though. I am warning you. 32. Canadian women are neither too aggressive nor too passive, neither too friendly nor too rude, neither too feminine nor too butch, neither too haughty nor too pathetic (except in Calgary, where they are both), and are generally as cool as girls can be (except, of course, in Calgary). Many of them are absolutely gorgeous to boot. 33. Bacon!!! 34. Pierre Elliot Trudeau was Bill Clinton twenty-five years before Clinton was. You know, a colourful party-animal who still managed to get things done more successfully and pragmatically than any conservative ever could. 35. We get to have a queen without her actually having any power or influence in the least, which is good. 36. I can announce to everyone I meet that I'm an atheist, or a Hindu, or that I worship the planet Saturn, and nobody cares enough to tell me how wrong I am and try to save my soul. 37. Our legal system is set up to try and fix society's ills rather than harshly punish individuals, though certain criminals such as Paul Bernardo and Clifford Olson will never again see the light of day. 38. I am big enough to admit that baseball is a better sport than hockey, though hockey does some things right. Sports like basketball and soccer would be vastly improved by a little more violence.
I could easily add a couple of hundred more reasons why Canada is the best, but that would take all day. Just trust me on this one, and be glad that the internet allows you to say whatever you want without repercussions; the next person to come up here and refer to Canada as the 51st state in my presence is getting a swift crowbar to the nuts. Thank you.
