Hughesnet 1

HughesNet is the most horrible "service" that I have ever been scammed into. Instead of listing the several reasons for why HughesNet smells like a dead rotting fish, I will provide a story of my experience with these malovelent fiends.

We live out in the sticks and had been tired of not being able to so much as have one video bother to be buffered because we had Dial-Up. Staring at the monitor for 20min for the google page to be displayed lost its entertainment value quite quickly. We saw that HughesNet could supposedly reach our location and provide high speed internet, but we were mistaken. They offered a $100 rebate so we decided to agree to that criminal two-year contract with these bastards. Some guy was supposed to appear to install a box with flashing lights and a dish that isn't even useful enough to carry a chicken caesar salad but maybe to sled on, but he apparently thought that humans are blessed with immortality so he could show up whenever the hell he brought his wide ass around to do so, as we obviously are not in a hurry. He showed up, perhaps a little tipsy from partying last night with his buddies making fun of HughesNet's customers, days later. In spite of his stupor, I still attempted to remain civilized when speaking to the orangutang. He tried to provide the false image of possession of intelligence by referring to google’s ability to provide search results as “exponentially” faster. To test his claim, I went to Youtube while he was there. Not only did it take so long for the page to display that I dozed off and drooled on my nice shirt, the videos didn’t even attempt to load. I asked the guy what the deal was so he said, “Oh my God! Your computer is F*#%@# up! I have no idea what is going on! You must have a virus!” He was really tripping out. I think I saw a shroom in his pocket. Anyway, as you can expect, he took off so quickly, it seemed that he was leaving in a dead run. My dad hammered him with questions, but the guy jumped into his van, pulled off a cookie, and sped off, almost running over my cat. What a duche! The only thing that he left us with is advice to pull the power cord out of the box with flashing lights in order to shut it off. I wonder if that’s a good idea? Then again, it probably doesn’t make a difference.

Weeks later, we attempted to set up an email with HughesNet. Not only was it very time consuming, the notices didn’t make sense. HughesNet obviously didn’t want to honor the rebate because after we got in contact of somebody for help, she spoke with such ambiguity, anyone could conclude that she was full of bull$@%*. Somehow, we were still successful in getting the $100 back. Many days had passed and I soon discovered the inconsistency of HughesNet’s so called “service.” If I went to myspace, listened to a song, or watched 25min of youtube videos, my internet would become so depressing, I began to miss Dial-Up. At least it was consistent. HughesNet isn’t even fast, unless you consider loading a page in 5min fast. I suppose it’s all relative or something. I couldn’t check my email, complete my schoolwork, or do research for anything. I was really pissed that we had to pay $60 a month for something we can’t even use. Now we could see why they have a two-year contract. How very unethical. Rather than take a half-hour long nap while a single web page loaded up, I decided to spend that time at the college’s library because it actually had an internet service. Things were fine for a while. I would do my work at school, come home, punch the flashing HughesNet box, and have dinner. Finally the day arrived in which this problem could no longer be ignored. An instructor was sending me an email with my homework to be due the next class meeting. I attempted to use my home computer, as well as my laptop, but a bird flew across the giant saucer on top of our house so I lost a connection. I went outside with my 22 to make sure that the birds wouldn’t block the signal anymore, but the clouds rolled in. I was very frustrated. It snowed for three days, so do the math. Yes, no internet connection for 3 days. How pathetic! I decided that being HughesNet’s B#@$% had gone on long enough so I decided to call their tech support. I was greeted by some guy in India that spoke only gibberish. WTF! I asked him why my internet smelled like a jock strap after a wrestling tournament and he said…..,well,……I don’t really know what he said. I don’t speak BS/gibberish. For all I know, he could have been telling me “I want to make love to you all night long.” That’s kinda gay. Awkward. Anyway, he started getting moody after he discovered that I couldn’t understand anything that was coming out of his mouth. So much for candlelight dinner. He asked more questions than I did, which made things more confusing. He really didn’t know anything. I’m sure he was sitting at the phone farting in his hand and passing it to his buddies. Lucky for me, I have a 3-year old cousin that could decipher the gibberish. Apparently, the India guy said that I downloaded a song so I lost internet for 24 hours. Hmmmm….weird. Then he asked that I never download ever again. No joke. If that isn’t a confession that the service is BS, I don’t know what is.

Anyway, here I am using the world’s most embarrassing ISP in all of history. It took my internet 15min just to get to this page that I am currently on. I have accepted the fact that HughesNet is the most worthless service on earth and I will jump this submerged ship the minute this stupid contract expires. If you are not a customer of HughesNet, MAINTAIN THAT STATUS! I am paying $60 a month for a box with blue flashing lights and a retro saucer on my roof. I told my friends that I have HughesNet and they all laughed at me. Even HughesNet is laughing at me. They still send their junk mail asking us to subscribe to their service. WTF! They really don’t give a $%*# about their customers. The junk states “Lowest Price Yet!” Compared to what! “Highest Speed Ever!” Again, compared to what! The financial aid process? “Up to 50X faster than Dial-Up!” Sorry but 50 times 0 is still 0. I would highly recommend HughesNet if you hate earning a living and want to provide your friends with the image of a true fool. Before you sign that contract, don’t forget your dunce hat. I miss you Gorgenet Dial-Up! Call me!