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Humorous Quotes

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Science & Nature > Quotations

List added by Redoedo on 1/18/2004

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31 List Items

1

My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing will begin in five minutes. (Ronald Reagan, during radio microphone test)

4.15 Stars | 13 ratings

2

Bessie Braddock (to Winston Churchill): Winston, you're drunk. Churchill: Bessie, you're ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober.

4.88 Stars | 8 ratings

3

Nancy Astor (to Winston Churchill): If I were your wife I would put poison in your coffee! Churchill: And if I were your husband I would drink it.

4.63 Stars | 8 ratings

4

Better to have him inside the tent pissing out, than outside pissing in. (Lynden B. Johnson, of J. Edgar Hoover)

4.13 Stars | 8 ratings

5

Don't let schooling interfere with your education. (Mark Twain)

5.00 Stars | 4 ratings

6

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. (W.C. Fields)

3.86 Stars | 7 ratings

7

Thank God I'm an atheist. (Luis Bunuel)

4.33 Stars | 3 ratings

8

Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me. (Mae West)

3.60 Stars | 5 ratings

9

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom. (Joan Rivers)

3.57 Stars | 7 ratings

10

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge. (Spike Milligan)

3.25 Stars | 4 ratings

11

Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla. (Jim Bishop)

5.00 Stars | 2 ratings

12

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. (Ed Furgol)

4.50 Stars | 2 ratings

13

I chased a woman for almost two years only to discover her tastes were exactly like mine - we were both crazy about girls. (Groucho Marx)

4.00 Stars | 3 ratings

14

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. (George Burns)

4.00 Stars | 2 ratings

15

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. (Charles Lamb)

3.67 Stars | 3 ratings

16

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. (Groucho Marx)

3.50 Stars | 6 ratings

17

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects. (Les Dawson)

3.20 Stars | 5 ratings

18

I want his pecker in my pocket. (Lyndon B. Johnson, discussing prospective assistant)

3.00 Stars | 4 ratings

19

There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus. (Bob Phillips)

4.00 Stars | 1 ratings

20

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)

3.00 Stars | 2 ratings

21

Did you ever think that making a speech on economics is a lot like pissing down your leg? It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else. (Lyndon B. Johnson)

2.80 Stars | 5 ratings

22

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall. (Eleanor Roosevelt)

2.75 Stars | 4 ratings

23

At my age flowers scare me (George Burns)

3.00 Stars | 1 ratings

24

When the President does it, that means that it is not illegal. (Richard Nixon)

2.00 Stars | 4 ratings

25

Women prefer men who have something tender about the - especially legal tender. (Kay Ingram)

1.50 Stars | 2 ratings

26

The only difference between doctors and lawyers is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you, too. (Anton Chekhov)

1.00 Stars | 1 ratings

27

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age. (Lucille Ball)

1.00 Stars | 1 ratings

28

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it is written on. (Sam Goldwyn)

0.00 Stars | 0 ratings

29

Children really brighten up a household - they never turn the lights off. (Ralph Bus)

0.00 Stars | 0 ratings

30

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere. (George Burns)

0.00 Stars | 0 ratings

31

The light at the end of the tunnel is just the light of an oncoming train. (Robert Lowell)

0.00 Stars | 0 ratings

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