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| Don't let schooling interfere with your education. (Mark Twain)
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5.00 (3)
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| Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla. (Jim Bishop)
(1)
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5.00 (1)
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| Bessie Braddock (to Winston Churchill): Winston, you're drunk. Churchill: Bessie, you're ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober.
(7)
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4.88 (8)
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| Nancy Astor (to Winston Churchill): If I were your wife I would put poison in your coffee! Churchill: And if I were your husband I would drink it.
(7)
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4.57 (7)
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| My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. (Ed Furgol)
(1)
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4.50 (2)
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| Thank God I'm an atheist. (Luis Bunuel)
(3)
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4.33 (3)
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| My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing will begin in five minutes. (Ronald Reagan, during radio microphone test)
(12)
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4.15 (13)
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| Better to have him inside the tent pissing out, than outside pissing in. (Lynden B. Johnson, of J. Edgar Hoover)
(6)
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4.00 (7)
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| I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. (W.C. Fields)
(5)
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4.00 (6)
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| I chased a woman for almost two years only to discover her tastes were exactly like mine - we were both crazy about girls. (Groucho Marx)
(2)
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4.00 (3)
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| It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. (George Burns)
(2)
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4.00 (2)
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| I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. (Charles Lamb)
(3)
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3.67 (3)
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| Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me. (Mae West)
(5)
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3.60 (5)
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| It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom. (Joan Rivers)
(6)
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3.57 (7)
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| I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. (Groucho Marx)
(4)
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3.50 (6)
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| I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge. (Spike Milligan)
(3)
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3.25 (4)
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| My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects. (Les Dawson)
(1)
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3.20 (5)
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| I want his pecker in my pocket. (Lyndon B. Johnson, discussing prospective assistant)
(3)
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3.00 (3)
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| A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)
(1)
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3.00 (2)
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| At my age flowers scare me (George Burns)
(0)
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3.00 (1)
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