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Irish Witticisms  (By Sundiszno (30) on 10/08/2005)

I picked up a small book (Irish Wit, edited by Des MacHale) while in Ireland last week. If ever there was any doubt about the Irish being undisputed masters of wit, this book dispels it. Quoted here are just some of the quips that mad me laugh (or think) the most. Because there are so many witticism I want to include, this will be a "work in progress" for a while. Rate 5 for the onew you think best, 1 for those you don't find particularly great. Or, just read and enjoy. 5 = Terribly witty
 
 
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Become a Protestant? Certainly not. Just because I've lost my faith doen't mean I've lost my reason. (1)  5.00 (2)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
In 1969 I gave up drinking and sex. It was the worst twenty minutes of my life. (1)  5.00 (2)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
An Englishman tghinks he is being moral when he is only being uncomfortable. (0)  5.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
An Irish atheist is one who wished to God he could believe in God. (0)  5.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
Brevity is the. (0)  5.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know exactly how it should be done - they see it being done every night, but they cannot do it themselves. (0)  5.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
De Valera discloses the workings of a mind to which incoherence lends an illusion of profundity. (0)  5.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
Every man of genius is considerably helped by being dead. (0)  5.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
God is choosy about the company he keeps and never comes near Derry. (0)  5.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
Have you heard the one about the Irishman who joined Alcoholics anonymous? He still drinks, but under a different name. (0)  5.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
He had all the characteristics of a poker except its occasional warmth. (0)  5.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
He lied like an eyewitness. (0)  5.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
He was a devoted family man; he spent Christmas Day at home. (0)  5.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
He was a good family man. Everywhere he went, he started a new family. (0)  5.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
His condition is improving rapidly - he is sitting in bed blowing the froth off his medicine. (0)  5.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
His doctor told him to avoid excitement so now he watches only League of Ireland football matches. (0)  5.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
Horse sense is something a horse has that prevents it from betting on people. (0)  5.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
I am a strict teetotaller, not taking anything between drinks. (0)  5.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
I am an unbeliever but I sometimes have doubts. (0)  5.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
I am, sir, your humble and obedient servant, which you know, and I know, is a damned lie. (0)  5.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
I believe in the discipline of silence and could talk for hours about it. (0)  5.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
I can understand Italian, your Majesty, if it's spoken in Irish. (0)  5.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
I can't remember your name. But don't tell me. (0)  5.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
I don't have any religion - I am an Irish Protestant. (0)  5.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
I have never seen a situation yet so bad that a policeman couldn't make worse. (0)  5.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
I slept like a baby. Every three hours I woke up looking for a bottle. (0)  5.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
I was a genius and therefore unemployable. (0)  5.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
Irish humor consists of five themes - life, death, religion, drinking, and the English. (0)  5.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. (0)  5.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
My brother has an unusual job - he finds things before people lose them. (0)  5.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
My church accepts all denominations - fivers, tenners, twenties. (0)  5.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
People from the Irish Midlands are often described as "phlegmatic" which is another word for "thick". (0)  5.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
The ancient Greek philosophers could look up at the sun and tell what time of day it was. In Ireland we never had that particular option. (0)  5.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
The Catholic Church is for saints and sinners. For respectable people the Anglican Church will do. (0)  5.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
The motto of Irish rugby has always been "Kick ahead, any head". (0)  5.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
The ultimate role of the Catholic Church in Ireland is the propagation of bingo. (0)  5.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
They say the situation in Northern Ireland isn't as bad as they say it is. (0)  5.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
You are not a proper member of an Irish club until you are barred. (0)  5.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
You have a head, and so has a pin. (0)  5.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career. (3)  4.75 (4)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
The right honourable gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests, and to his imagination for his facts. (2)  4.67 (3)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
Did it ever occur to you that the bottom of a whiskey bottle is much too near the top? (1)  4.50 (2)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
My golfing partner couldn't hit a tiled floor with a bellyful of puke. (2)  4.33 (3)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
The only man who had a proper understanding of Parliament was old Guy Fawkes. (2)  4.33 (3)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
An Irish queer is a fellow who prefers women to drink. (2)  4.00 (3)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
You know its summer in Ireland when the rain gets warmer. (2)  4.00 (3)   Rate It!