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Jack Handy quotes  (By Aurielle (18) on 11/29/2005)

Who could forget Jack Handy? He was a regular on Saturday Night Live from 1991 to 2003, and was famous for his Deep Thoughts sketches. 5 = Hilarious
 
 
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"I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing (1)  5.00 (3)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did." (1)  5.00 (3)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason." (0)  5.00 (2)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
"Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend." (0)  5.00 (2)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
"I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don't know I'm using blanks." (0)  5.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
"Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window." (0)  5.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
"It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire." (0)  5.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose. (1)  5.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. (0)  5.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
"If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is probably a joke that gets old real fast." (1)  4.67 (3)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
"I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect."" (1)  4.50 (2)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
"If you lose your job, your marriage and your mind all in one week, try to lose your mind first, because then the other stuff won't matter that much" (1)  4.50 (2)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
"When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my Grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car." (1)  4.50 (2)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
"I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad." (1)  4.00 (2)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
"If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact" (0)  4.00 (2)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
"When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Yahoo! We're rich! But it turned out to be something different." (0)  4.00 (2)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex. (0)  4.00 (2)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
"I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye." (0)  4.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
"It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man." (0)  4.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
"My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset hi (0)  4.00 (1)   Rate It!Get Rating Widget!
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