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Funny Quips, Insults and One-liners.

Please rate and discuss these funny? quips, insults and one-liners. Please feel free to suggest others.

Star Rating Scale: 1 = bad / 2 = not so good / 3 = average / 4 = good / 5 = great

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Science & Nature > Quotations

List added by GenghisTheHun on 1/1/2007

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149 List Items

1

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

4.60 Stars | 10 ratings

2

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

5.00 Stars | 6 ratings

3

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?

4.71 Stars | 7 ratings

4

All generalizations are false, including this one.

4.67 Stars | 6 ratings

5

Never mess up an apology with an excuse.

4.67 Stars | 6 ratings

6

Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.

4.67 Stars | 6 ratings

7

We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.

4.50 Stars | 6 ratings

8

Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

4.29 Stars | 7 ratings

9

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

4.25 Stars | 8 ratings

10

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

4.33 Stars | 6 ratings

11

Do women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition?

4.17 Stars | 6 ratings

12

Before you criticize people, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

4.50 Stars | 4 ratings

13

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

4.50 Stars | 4 ratings

14

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

4.50 Stars | 4 ratings

15

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

4.20 Stars | 5 ratings

16

Death is hereditary.

4.00 Stars | 4 ratings

17

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

4.00 Stars | 4 ratings

18

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

5.00 Stars | 3 ratings

19

Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

4.67 Stars | 3 ratings

20

Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

4.67 Stars | 3 ratings

21

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

4.67 Stars | 3 ratings

22

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

4.67 Stars | 3 ratings

23

The worst thing about getting old is getting old.

4.50 Stars | 4 ratings

24

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

4.50 Stars | 4 ratings

25

Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

4.33 Stars | 3 ratings

26

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

4.25 Stars | 4 ratings

27

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

4.20 Stars | 5 ratings

28

A day without sunshine is like, night.

4.00 Stars | 4 ratings

29

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

4.00 Stars | 5 ratings

30

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

4.00 Stars | 5 ratings

31

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

4.00 Stars | 3 ratings

32

Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.

4.00 Stars | 4 ratings

33

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

4.00 Stars | 6 ratings

34

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

4.00 Stars | 4 ratings

35

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

5.00 Stars | 2 ratings

36

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

5.00 Stars | 2 ratings

37

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.

5.00 Stars | 2 ratings

38

Her mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.

4.50 Stars | 2 ratings

39

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

4.50 Stars | 2 ratings

40

Who stopped payment on her reality check?

4.50 Stars | 2 ratings

41

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day

4.00 Stars | 2 ratings

42

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

4.00 Stars | 2 ratings

43

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

4.00 Stars | 2 ratings

44

I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?

4.00 Stars | 3 ratings

45

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you

4.00 Stars | 3 ratings

46

Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!

4.00 Stars | 2 ratings

47

Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

4.00 Stars | 3 ratings

48

Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. She just gargles.

4.00 Stars | 3 ratings

49

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

3.75 Stars | 4 ratings

50

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

3.67 Stars | 3 ratings

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