5ive Girls (Warren P. Sonoda, 2006)

Sonoda (Ham & Cheese) turns in a movie here whose tagline was "how many Catholic schoolgirls does it take to battle a legion of evil?". How can you possibly go wrong with Catholic schoolgirls battling the devil? Needless to say, the girls are all gorgeous, and when you add Ron Perlman to the mix I'd be fine with this cast acting out the Encyclopedia Brittanica. Well, the end result ain't all that hot, but come on, how can you not love this? It's kind of like Attack Girls Swim Team vs. the Undead meets Fallen, but with Ron Perlman and a bunch of hot chicks. Oh, yeah.

Plot: five girls are sent to a newly-reopened Catholic girls' school. There's Alex (Lucky Number Slevin's Jennifer Miller), whose father believes that here telekinesis means she's possessed by the devil; Mara (The Mad's Jordan Madley), a thief and all-around bad girl; blind Cecilia (Terra Vnesa, recently of Degrassi: The Next Generation), a Tarot card reader; Leah (Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen's Barbara Mamabolo), whose presence here is explained in such a way that I'll let you see for yourself; and Connie (An All American Fairytale's Tasha May Currie), whose parents are trying to turn her away from her embracing of Wicca. On the administrative side of things, we have Father Drake (Perlman), the school's sole teacher, who feels responsible for the disappearance of a student years ago; Miss Pearce (Diary of the Dead's Amy Lalonde), the brutal headmistress who was once a student; and creepy caretaker Vincent (Swamp Devil's James Kidnie), who pops up every once in a while for atmosphere. It doesn't take too long for the girls to realize that they all have some unique and complementary supernatural ability, and also that there's something happening at the school that's very much un-Catholic. The question is, who's on their side and who isn't?

Okay, so hot girls who spend at least a decent amount of time naked, the obligatory lesbian undertones (you knew there was a reason I compared this to Attack Girls Swim Team, didn't you?), Ron Perlman as a priest, and the supernatural. All well and good. Better, the acting was actually better than I expected, especially from Vnesa, who brings a fine balance of cockiness and vulnerability to Cecilia. Meanwhile, the plot really is as silly as it sounds, the script condenses more stereotypes than you can shake a stick at into its wonderful premise, and with one exception (that scene with Leah I referred to earlier), the special effects are pretty darned cheesy. In other words, this is not a horror movie that's going to make you jump, but it does have its uses. Looking for a way to kill a Saturday night? This should be on your list of possibilities. ** ½

St. Mark's School for girls is an interesting place. It's a wonderful setting for reforming unruly girls. Five such females are brought to St. Mark's, locked in, and the miracles of rehabilitation through religion begin! Unfortunately, these bad girls have no idea that a student (inmate?) vanished from the school some years earlier under bizarre, unexplained circumstances. Now, a priest (Ron Perlman!) and a sadistically inclined headmistress (A. Lalonde) are in charge. Of course, the school is under full satanic attack, which could cause educational delays and / or further disciplinary problems. Thankfully, the 5IVE GIRLS are equipped w/ psychic abilities enabling them to fight the nefarious presence. Uh-oh! These gals just can't seem to get along, not realizing that if they could just band together, eeevil would be vanquished by their combined powers. Instead, they bicker and complain, becoming prime targets for demonic possession! This all leads to the final conflict, complete w/ blood, spiritual warfare, and cheeezy cgi demonoid. 5IVE GIRLS is a fun, mindless way to terminate 90 minutes...

Don't over analyze this movie, just sit back and watch it. It moves fast, no endless track of characters to keep track of, no monologues that go on endlessly, no flood of useless information. It's a fun movie, not a study in the dark arts.

Come on, people. Satanic rituals, demonic possession, telekinesis, witchcraft, cute Catholic schoolgirls - that's a solid foundation for a horror movie right there. Admittedly, the plot isn't a perfectly healthy specimen, but I enjoyed 5ive Girls. A lot of people seem to view this film as a The Craft wannabe, but I don't see any substantive connection between the two films - apart from the occult overtones and the fact that both stories revolve around a cast of teenaged girls. Like most horror films, 5ive Girls does borrow here and there from films that have come before, but I think it succeeds in establishing its own identity.

St. Mark's School for Girls used to be a well-respected private school - until one of its students disappeared under extremely unusual circumstances. We know what happened because it makes up the opening scene of the movie. Elizabeth (Krysta Carter), an especially faithful young woman, was attacked by no less a demon than Legion himself - and Father Drake (Ron "the Beast" Perlman), who may have liked Elizabeth a little too much, was powerless to help her. The school soon closed in the wake of the tragedy - but now, five years later, it has reopened. Sort of, anyway. Under the harsh discipline of Headmistress Miss Pearce (Amy Lalonde), who even seems to have Father Drake by the cojones, it now serves as a sort of reform school for wayward girls. Apparently, the best way to control an unruly teenager is through intense Latin instruction. Who knew?

The entire student body consists of a mere five girls, all of them dropped off by parents eager to get rid of them. Apart from the fact that they really aren't bad girls at all, the five have something else in common - each one has a paranormal gift. Alex (Jennifer Mille) can move things when she's emotional (plus she has the ability to be extremely hot at all times), Leah (Barbara Mamabolo) can walk through certain objects (although we never see her do it), Mara (Jordan Madley) can heal people, Cecilia (Terra Vnesa) can see things in her mind despite the fact that she's blind, and Connie (Tasha May) - actually, I don't know what Connie's gift is (she can whine with the best of them, but that's probably not it). Anyway, it doesn't take long for the girls to figure out that there is something very wrong with the place. For one thing, Alex keeps hearing disembodied voices and seeing what can only be the ghost of a former student wandering around. With a headmistress like Miss Pearce and weird shenanigans going on all over the place, it doesn't take long for the girls to bond with each other - and that's a good thing because before you can say a dozen Hail Marys, they find themselves battling Legion. Boy, it's a good thing they've got a giant priest around to protect them - or maybe not.

The plot is sort of patched together with spit and gum in a few places, but it manages to hold up pretty well until the end. With all of the action taking place within the confines of a large and somewhat creepy school building, the film maintains a decently disquieting atmosphere, but none of the slightly cheesy special effects are going to knock you for a loop. It's a little difficult to accept Ron Perlman in the role of a priest, but the acting is pretty good up and down the line. The story even manages to keep a couple of plot points pretty close to the vest until the closing moments. 5ive Girls will probably appeal more to the younger segment of horror fans, but I quite enjoyed watching it. Did I mention the five cute Catholic schoolgirls?

This Film, gets a D-. The only thing going for it was the cast of beauties. Poor Script, Dull acting, Tired old story line of good=god/ bad=devil. So don't waste your time or money like I did on this one, and pass._ Don't Buy.

This piece of pathetic fluff was outrageously insipid. Ron Perlman was
truly wasted in this mistake of a movie, proving, once again, that even great actors error.

Five dimwits are dropped off at a Catholic reform school. All are supernaturally gifted in some way, unwanted by their parents, and in need of spiritual guidance from an ex-boosehound priest ( Perlman ), who is in the room while the headmistress does a stripsearch of the girls. So much for credibility.... It gets worse from there.

Great movie, lots of action, never a dull moment and I was left wanting more.